Everything you need to know about preparing for a Chinese funeral in the UK

Traditional Chinese funerals can feel overwhelming, especially if you have never had to prepare one before. When my father passed away during the pandemic, my family had to learn and organise many of these customs ourselves. This guide is based on how we prepared his funeral in the UK, and I hope it helps anyone going through something similar.

Altar Arrangements

Continuously burn candles and incense until the day of the burial to guide the deceased to the afterlife

• Incense pot with sand: Place the incense pot in the centre of the altar. On the first day, we did not have one, so we used a bowl of uncooked rice instead. We bought a white plant pot and some sand from B&Q.

• A bowl of cooked rice with two chopsticks placed upright, with a boiled egg in the middle: The upright chopsticks symbolise the deceased “eating” the food that has been offered. This is later buried with the deceased.

• Tea and wine cups: In front of the incense burner, place 1 cup of tea and 3 cups of rice wine. These can be bought from most Asian supermarkets. Usually, when worshipping gods and ancestors, we would place 3 tea cups and 5 wine cups (三茶五酒). However, for the first year after death, we were told to use 1 tea cup and 3 wine cups when offering prayers to my father, as he would still be making his way through the afterlife and would not yet be classed as an ancestor.

• White candle: Our altar was by the balcony door, so we used a lantern from IKEA to prevent the flame from blowing out. We bought pillar candles from Tesco and used ramekins to hold them.

• Food offerings: Place the food offerings at the front of the altar on dedicated plates used for the deceased. My mum kept a few plates and bowls aside specifically for this. Burn 3 candles during meal offerings.

• Photo of the deceased: Usually, this is in black and white and can be placed behind the altar’s incense pot or to the side. A coloured photo is also fine.

Do's

• Keep the incense and candle burning until the burial. This is believed to help guide the deceased into the afterlife. Use incense spirals throughout the night if needed, and make sure that a single incense stick is always burning. I bought the incense coils online, but you can also find them in Vietnamese supermarkets on Deptford High Street, such as La Loi.

• Offer food before every meal. It is considered disrespectful to serve yourself first. The deceased is believed to still be in this life until the burial, so before every meal, remember to burn 3 incense sticks and let them know it is time for breakfast, lunch or dinner so they can eat first.

• Place the altar lower than your ancestral or god altars, if you have them.Ranking is important. When someone dies, it is believed to take 49 days for rebirth, so placing the altar at the same level would be seen as disrespectful to the ancestors.

• Spread out the remaining incense sticks in the pot to prevent fire.After about a week of visitors burning incense, the sticks in the centre of the pot became packed quite tightly and ended up catching fire, or at least starting to smoke, when a visitor pushed a stick too far down. If this happens, use tongs to pull out the incense sticks, and remember to spread them out every couple of days.
  

Dont's

• Don’t eat the offerings. This is seen as fighting the deceased for food while the spirit is still making its way to the afterlife. As wasteful as it may seem, the food should be thrown away afterwards. You can, however, eat offerings that have been made to the ancestors. Tip: instead of throwing the food away, add it to the compost.

• Don’t eat with chopsticks. Up until the funeral, we had to eat with a spoon, as it is believed that using chopsticks could accidentally poke or injure the spirit.

• Don’t place the altar on the same wall as the ancestral altar. This is because it may look as though you are offering incense to the ancestors rather than to the deceased.

• Don’t leave the altar unattended. Leaving any naked flame unattended is never a good idea.

• Don’t borrow incense or offerings from others.This is frowned upon and considered a bad omen. We were running low on incense, but I was not allowed to borrow any from my friend who lived just a few minutes away. We also had to keep the incense and offerings for our ancestors separate. You should not use incense from the same pack for both the deceased and your ancestors or gods.

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Things to Prepare

You can hire a Taoist/Buddhist priests to help you prepare for the rituals and ceremonies but this has been difficult during the pandemic and lock-down rules. The below are items you can prepare on your own.

• Consult the Chinese almanac for an auspicious date and time for the funeral. Usually, the burial should take place by 11am, during Wu hour (午時). A Taoist or Buddhist priest would normally use the deceased’s birth date and date of death to calculate an auspicious date and time for the funeral. As a general guide, though, you can also find auspicious dates and times online for various events click here. The Taoist minister I used was Fu Lay, who was very knowledgeable and respectful.

• Choose a cemetery plot. Ideally, Chinese cemeteries are situated on a hillside to improve Feng Shui. The higher the grave, the better.

• A gold or silver coin is placed in the mouth of the deceased. The coin is used to pay for the ferry crossing to the afterlife. This should be placed in the mouth before embalming, and ideally as soon as possible.

• A walking stick is placed in the left hand of the deceased, or on the left side of the coffin or casket. This is for the deceased to use in the afterlife if they were elderly.

• A gold or yellow satin sheet: Each piece of gold or yellow satin placed over the deceased in the coffin represents a daughter tucking them in with a blanket.

• A white satin sheet: Each piece of white satin used to line the coffin or casket represents a son laying down the bedsheet for the deceased.

• Mantou (steamed bun) or a ball of cooked rice: This is placed in the right hand of the deceased so they will never go hungry in the afterlife. In some traditions, a grain of rice is placed in the mouth instead.

• A brand new suit or outfit: This represents a new beginning for the deceased in the afterlife.

• Jade and silver jewellery: For men, this may be a jade piece and a silver ring. For women, this may include a jade bangle, silver clip-on earrings, and a silver ring. These items are used to prepare the deceased for a better afterlife.

• Clothes and belongings: Old clothes and personal belongings can also be placed into the casket or coffin.

• An afterlife road ticket (路票): This is a ticket believed to help the deceased reach the afterlife. It is usually burned on the seventh day after death. This is not needed if you have a Taoist priest performing the rituals, but we prepared one anyway.

  
  

You can hand the items listed above directly to your funeral director, who can arrange for them to be placed as instructed. Alternatively, you may be able to do this yourself with the help of the funeral home staff.

Do's

• Mark all new items with incense. Any new items being placed into the coffin or casket should be marked with incense so that the deceased recognises they are for their use.

• Cut holes in all pockets. This symbolises our loved one moving into the afterlife without taking any fortune from this life with them. It is also believed to prevent hungry ghosts or bad spirits from stealing from them. When something is stolen from the deceased, it is believed to also be taken from the living family.

• Pair up the items placed into the coffin or casket. Usually, odd numbers are used during a funeral, but passing into the afterlife is meant to be seen as a celebration, so even numbers are used here instead. Make sure you place an even number of items into the coffin or casket. However, if the deceased is a woman, an odd number of items should be used.

Dont's

• Don’t worry if you cannot do all of these things, or if you forget something. There are many different variations of these customs and, as my mum says, as long as you have the heart, that is what matters.

  The Chinese believe that everyone goes to Diyu (地獄) after death in preparation for the afterlife.

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49 Days to rebirth/afterlife (七七四十九日)

Hun (Chinese: 魂; pinyin: hún) and po (Chinese: 魄; pinyin: pò) are types of souls in Chinese philosophy and traditional religion. Every living human has both a hun spiritual, ethereal, yang soul which leaves the body after death, and also a po corporeal, substantive, yin soul which remains with the corpse of the deceased. Taoism proposes a soul structure of sanhunqipo 三魂七魄; that is, "three hun and seven po". Each 7 days the deceased arrives at a court known as the Ten Courts of Hell (click here to read more)

- The 1st 7th day (首七 / 頭七) is the most important. Chinese tradition holds that during the first six days after death, the soul does not yet realise it has died and roams freely without awareness. On the seventh day, it is believed to die a second time. This is when the soul realises it has passed away and may return home to visit. Incense, candles and food offerings are burned at the family home to welcome the soul back for a meal.

A Taoist priest can perform the prayers on this day but this wasn't possible for us during the lock down so you can chant Amituofos name (Amitabha Buddha chant 南無阿彌陀佛) and the Amitabha sutra (佛說阿彌陀經) which is meant to guide the deceased to the pure land. If you unable to chant the Amitabha sutra you can have it played on audio. We had these playing on speaker on loop for the entire 100 days. But most will only have this until the funeral day. we found the chants calming and helped with our healing.

We prepared around 12 ramekins filled with cut potatoes, which we used to hold the incense sticks. These were placed about 30cm apart along the outside of our front door to help guide the soul back home. We also placed a few tea lights in glass tumblers around the front door.

Light 15 incense sticks, starting with the ramekin furthest from the front door. As each incense stick is lit and placed into the cut potato, call out to your loved one and invite them home, letting them know what day it is. For example, if it is the first 7th, let them know that today is the first 7th and ask them to come home for a meal.

Once all 15 incense sticks have been lit, place the remaining 3 in the incense burner on the altar, along with simple food offerings of 3 bowls of cooked rice with 3 pairs of chopsticks, and 3 small plates of raw sliced ginger and salt. This should be a simple meal with no meat and no vegetables. The row of incense is believed to guide the soul to the altar to receive the offerings.

Prayers can then be said, and paper offerings such as paper clothes, paper mobiles, paper laptops and joss paper are burned for the deceased to use in the afterlife. We also burned a paper afterlife road ticket (路票).

- 2nd 7th day (二七) The ritual is repeated on this day (with meat offering)

- 3rd 7th day (三七) The ritual is repeated on this day (with meat offering)

- 4th 7th day (四七) No ritual is held on this day

- 5th 7th day (五七) The ritual is repeated on this day (with meat offering)

- 6th 7th day (六七) The ritual is repeated on this day but by married daughters. (with meat offering)

- 7th 7th day (末七): The ritual is repeated on this day, this time with a meat offering. My sister spent a few weeks building a spiritual home for our late father, which I honestly feel deserves its own blog post, but I have included a few pictures of it here. Following the Taoist priest’s instructions, we inscribed my late father’s details onto it so that he could receive it in the afterlife.

If you are thinking, There is no way I could build this, don’t worry - the deceased can always buy their own in the afterlife with all the joss money we burn.

Do's

• Prepare the following: around 12 ramekins, plus potatoes or any fruit or vegetable to use as incense holders; 15 incense sticks; a few white candles (tea lights inside a glass tumbler work well as a wind shield); a lighter; an afterlife road ticket (路票, for the 1st 7th day only); paper offerings; and joss paper folded into ingots.

  For the altar, prepare 3 bowls of rice with 3 pairs of chopsticks, as we believe the deceased may also bring back guests or underworld officers who are guiding them to the afterlife. Also prepare some meat, such as pork belly, chicken or duck. Remember to sprinkle a little salt on top of the meat to add flavour, along with 3 small plates of sliced raw ginger. On the 1st 7th day, meat is not offered.

• Calculate the 7th day correctly. A lot of people get this wrong. For example, if your loved one passed away on a Tuesday morning at 3am, then the 7th day would technically be Monday, counting from Tuesday. However, when we perform the rituals, we do them the evening before, so in this example it would be Sunday. We believe that holding the ceremony on the evening before allows it to roll into the next day and gives the soul time to return.

• Start the incense in the evening, when the sky is completely dark. It is believed that the soul cannot be guided back properly in daylight.

• Always put safety first. Burn joss paper outdoors in a large, heatproof metal drum if possible.

Dont's

• Don’t leave burning incense unattended. This is especially important if it is being burned outside your house or in a public walkway.

• Don’t leave burning joss paper unattended. Always put safety first and keep a fire extinguisher or some water nearby.

• Don’t hold a ceremony on the 4th week. The number 4 is considered unlucky, so this week is usually skipped.

• Don’t worry if you cannot do all of these things, or if you forget something. There are many different variations of these customs and, as my mum says, as long as you have the heart, that is what matters.

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The Wake

According to Chinese folk religions, death is a disruption to the cosmological balance. The performance of death rituals is therefore aimed at re-establishing order and harmony. In addition, the Chinese believe that the dead continue to influence the fortunes of the living. As such, funeral rituals not only exemplify respect and filial piety, but are also done for the sake of recompense

• White flowers: If you would like to use flowers, white or yellow flowers are traditionally used, as white symbolises death.

• White money: Chinese families often give money in white envelopes, which we call white money (白金), literally translated as “white gold”. This is given to the grieving family and, in return, they are often given a coin wrapped in white paper. In some customs, the amount given should be an odd number, as odd numbers are traditionally used in funerals. I believe this is why some families give back a coin in return, so that the final amount becomes an odd number. This white money is used solely for funeral expenses, so it is helpful to prepare some pound coins wrapped in white paper.

• Incense offerings: In the time leading up to the funeral, friends and family should visit and pay their respects by offering incense. The white paper-wrapped coin is usually given to each person here as well. We used shorter incense sticks for guests paying their respects, just so we could differentiate them from the main incense in the pot that needed to be kept burning.

• Prayers and rituals: Before the funeral, we had two Chinese Buddhist/Taoist priests prepare the traditional hemp clothing and other items we would need for the funeral, and a ritual was performed at our family home. During this, they used the 3 teas and 5 wines (三茶五酒), as we were inviting the gods and ancestors to help guide my father to the afterlife.

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Funeral Day

It was January 6th the first day of lock down 3.0 in London. But Funerals could still take place with up to 30 people.

• Cover mirrors and god statues: Mirrors are traditionally covered to protect the family. It is believed that if someone sees the coffin reflected in a mirror, there may be another death in the family. During the funeral, we also had to cover all god statues with a red cloth and take down any red couplets, such as the ones used for Chinese New Year with the word Fu (fortune). We covered these from the day my father passed away.

• Clothing: We had hemp hats and mourning clothes prepared for us by the Taoist priest, but if you do not, you can wear an old white top or buy a cheap white T-shirt or shirt, as this may later be burned or thrown away. If possible, wear white shoes or trainers too, although these do not need to be thrown away afterwards.

• Taoist/Buddhist priests: Because of the lockdown restrictions, we could not hold a full ceremony, but we did still have two Taoist priests conduct the funeral, playing loud music to ward off evil spirits. We had an open coffin at the funeral parlour where friends and family came to pay their respects, but during the sealing of the coffin, everyone had to turn away, as this symbolises the separation of the dead from the living and is considered bad luck to watch.

• Food in the earth pot (分火, literally translated as “dividing the fire”): Each of us siblings took turns placing some of the glutinous rice and chicken into two earthen pots. These would later be buried with my father to ensure he would always have food in the afterlife.

  After each of us had done this, we then had to eat a small amount of the rice left on the plate.

• Breaking of a comb and mirror: This symbolises the separation and ending of the relationship between husband and wife, in this case my mother and father, so that my father could enter the afterlife without worries or regrets. My mother was then instructed to keep one half by her bedside for 7 days as a sign of respect, while the other half would be buried with my father’s coffin.

• The funeral car stopped outside our home: Traditionally, coffins and caskets were kept at the family home, but nowadays they are usually kept at funeral parlours. So on the day of the funeral, the hearse makes a stop outside the family home to allow the soul to visit home one last time.

• Talismans: The priests made special talismans and placed them on the doors of every room in our house, as well as on the coffin, to protect against evil spirits.

• The hearse moves back and forth three times: Additional prayers are said while family members hold onto the hearse, which then moves slowly back and forth three times. This symbolises three final bows and the soul’s separation from this life and the family home.

• Road spirit paper, car seating arrangements: The eldest son usually sits in the first car following the hearse, if not beside the coffin itself. A long, lit joss stick is held in the same incense pot that was used at home throughout the journey to the cemetery, symbolising the soul of the deceased. If it goes out, it should be relit immediately. Cars travelling behind then scatter biodegradable joss paper along the journey to the burial ground. My brother had to hold a tray carrying the incense pot with the joss stick, the cups, and the red memorial plaque prepared for us by the Taoist priest. My nephew sat in the seat behind him, holding a photo of my father.

• Lowering of the coffin: When the coffin is lowered, those born in certain years are traditionally advised not to watch, as it is believed this may bring them bad luck. Usually, an advice slip is given before the funeral so everyone can check whether they are on the list. My advice, though, is that everyone should simply turn away during the lowering of the coffin.

  The two earthen pots containing the rice and chicken, as well as the bowl of rice with two chopsticks and a boiled egg, and the broken mirror and comb, were then given to the gravediggers to place on top of the coffin.

  Family members and relatives then throw a handful of earth into the grave before it is filled in.

• Lucky money and sweets: After the funeral, the family should give out lucky money. In Hong Kong tradition, this is usually a red envelope and a sweet for everyone attending, to bring good luck. In Chinese-Vietnamese tradition, it is often a coin or money wrapped in white paper, or placed in a white envelope, and given to everyone at the funeral for the same reason.

• The route home: Loud music is then played on the journey home to ward off evil spirits. A different route should also be taken home, as it is believed that any spirits who followed you to the funeral may follow you back if you return the same way. We brought the incense pot back home with us and placed it back onto the altar.

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After the funeral

The family usually holds a banquet for all that attended the funeral. But we were in lock down 3.0 so we couldn't do this. So we all went back to our own homes and had a quiet meal.

• Pomelo leaf water and joss paper: Before entering your home, you should wash your hands in pomelo leaf water (柚葉水) and step over a small fire pit of burning white spirit paper (跨過火盤). Pomelo leaves are believed to have cleansing properties because they come from the sacred pomelo tree. We prepared our pomelo water the night before and infused it with a talisman given to us by the Taoist priest. We also prepared some in a large bottle to take to the graveside, so that those who attended the funeral but were not returning to our home due to the lockdown restrictions could wash their hands there as well.

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100 days of Mourning

Family members signify their continued mourning for another 100 days by wearing a colored cloth on their sleeve. The deceased’s children wear black cloth, grandchildren wear blue, and great grandchildren wear green. If the deceased was a child or wife, the mourning period is not observed.

• No celebrations and no bright colours: Some families follow this for 7 days, 49 days, 100 days or even longer. I do not think there is a strict right or wrong. Over the years, many customs have adapted to suit modern life. In the past, mourning clothes had to be worn for 3 years, which is not practical in today’s world.

  So here is what my family did during the 100 days of mourning - counted from the date of my father’s death, not 100 days after the funeral.

  We had a few birthdays during this period, but we were not allowed to celebrate as we were still in mourning, so we kept them very quiet. Presents and cakes were still allowed, but no well wishes, candles or birthday songs. Weddings were also not allowed.

  We also chose to wear dull, sombre colours during this time.

• No Chinese New Year celebrations for 1 year: It is believed that if the family has experienced a death, Chinese New Year should not be celebrated in the usual way during the following year. We still carried out our usual Chinese New Year preparations, such as cleaning the ancestral altar, making ancestral offerings and doing the feng shui preparations, but we were not allowed to give or receive lucky red envelopes.

• No visiting other people’s homes: This was not difficult for us, as we were in lockdown 3.0 at the time. Under normal circumstances, though, we would not have been allowed to visit other people’s homes, as it is believed we could bring them bad luck. Others, however, can still visit your home.

• Wearing black cloth on our sleeves: My siblings and I all had to wear a piece of black cloth pinned to our sleeves with a safety pin, while my nieces and nephews wore blue. This is an adaptation to suit modern life, whereas in the past hemp mourning clothes would have been worn instead.

• No haircuts: This was easy enough for me and my sisters, but my brother had to go 100 days without shaving, which actually was not too bad given that we were in lockdown.

We were told by the priest that after the funeral we no longer needed to burn incense and offer food every day, and could instead do it whenever we wanted. But we chose to continue burning incense and offering three meals a day until the 100th day, because it felt right and by that point we had already been doing it for 30 days. We only burned incense at meal times, but we did keep a candle burning throughout the full 100 days. After that, we switched to using LED taper candles.

During the mourning period, we wanted to give up something to gain merit for my father in the afterlife, so we decided to go Vegan. We felt that by making a sacrifice ourselves, we could gain merit on his behalf and give him a better chance in the afterlife. Although my father was a wonderful, honest man and probably did not need any extra merit, we still wanted to do something for him.

A lot of Chinese traditions are slowly being lost with the younger generations, as many of us rely on the guidance of our elders. During my father’s funeral, my sister and I found ourselves searching the internet to understand the different customs and what they symbolised. We read multiple articles in both English and Chinese - my parents would probably be pleased to know that sending us to Chinese school for 10 years was not a waste of school fees, lol. We gathered bits of information here and there, and together with my siblings, we made all the arrangements and preparations for the funeral so that our mum did not have to.

I hope this post will help those who need to prepare for a Chinese funeral, as well as those who are simply interested in Chinese funeral customs.

"As long as you have the heart..."

"只要你有心...."

Just 11 months after my dad passed away, my Mother also passed away. Read here about how we prepared for my mother’s funeral during the pandemic, as some things were done slightly differently. The rituals performed by the Taoist priest can vary depending on whether the deceased was male or female, and whether they passed away at home or away from home.